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Hi everyone, interested in watching me continue my blender work?
Go here: Picarto.tv - Channel
If stream is offline, I might just be about to start the stream. Stay patient then ~
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Offline for now.
Thanks everyone for coming this time^^
Alive 'n kickin? Sorta... devlog?
Yooo! Long time no read, probably. (Brain stop saying "tabun" each time you weeb) I just did a just4fun sum up of my current work in progress stuff. Had to laugh myself nuts, 333,284 words on my first draft for Volume I. (double the number to understand why I am cracking myself up like a glowstick, lolol (and add a single word more to the count, no better don't do that)) Volume II is currently at a good waypoint of 171,000+ words. I am honestly impressed that y'all are still here, after all the depresso espresso shit the last couple of years (probably wasn't the last time you heard me mourning over... life LOL), BUT I am glad you are here! (Even if dA is kinda dying down? hope not) Shit was craaazy the last couple of years, gon be frank. It was... terrrrrrible. Rrrrr. that much. I might have ranted somewhere else here already. Idc. I do sometimes. I learnt one thing, I am still terrible at looking after myself, but I am improving so, yay. Maybe back and forth a little, I still
Gallery revamp
Hi y'all. I've just been scrolling through my gallery and I noticed it has become quite cluttered. I'm probably just going to change a little, but some deviations are going into the scraps section. I also started removing old things from my print shop (let's be honest, nobody would have bought those old ones with a really weird signature on top of that). I'll try to clean things up a bit and make it look more professional (al dente spaghetti). (In all seriousness though, I have some old things, I kinda wanted to keep them when I was younger but I think moving some to the pile with older things is sufficient until I will have redraws to replace them properly.) Would be cool if you could just spare a few minutes and give me a honest critique on my art collections. Maybe I have some hidden gems in there, just bad at presenting them. I'm trying, ok I am trying. My brain cells are entwined like a maze, no wonder I have this habit of chaotic artist *arm wiggle squee* Funny that I
Still alive yeet
Not dead yet... Well... I kind of struggle with lots of mental issues lately (which... is kinda no surprise if yall know me since a little while already). I have almost no energy to do anything creative, so I'm pretty limited. I really want to but I feel like I'm constantly drained. No idea how long this will keep dragging on, I'm sick and tired of it but I can't seem to find much energy either. I'm just glad nobody tries to push me any further. I gotta admit this: I haven't looked out for my health in return for productivity and stuffs. I have been going on no energy for so long that my creative engine kinda broke down. I get discouraged easily these days. My graphics tablet got scratches and needs to be fixed. I miss real horses, but anxiety and stuff keep me from it. Dumb situation. Any little things that are out of my regular way tick me off entirely. It's annoying to watch myself, but it's not much I can do. I can't "fake it til you make it" anymore. I am exhausted. On a daily
I iz still alive, woop woop! Some life update
Hiya everyone! It's been a quite long time since I last actually posted a journal. You might have noticed some bs going on according to my fuzzy poetry shiz... welll, lemme say, yall oughtta know that art is primarily an emotional outlet for me, and sometimes I am just open to share some thoughts or snippets of words I like to put after another. It's not always what I think 100% of the time, I just take it as snapshots of human brain activity. Aka inspiration. Yet... I once posted a piece that blew up like last time I checked it had about 1k hits and I was like "whoa. Did actually 100 people each read it ten times or 1k different people at least opened the page?" I don't really know if people actually go through similar things and find my poetry relatable, especially when I capslog in the author comments because one social burnout just rode me to the depths again, or why they do look at it. I do wonder, but I don't seem to get actually an answer. I've mostly never thought really bold of myself or dared to say I am something special, it's mostly the opposite, I think small and tear out my limbs to get better. I don't really know what happened the last two years that actually made me get to be so mental once again. I tried to cope with rummaging thoughts of all kinds in my head these months, somehow trying to keep an eye on my goal so I could complete my college education. I'm taking care of myself, sometimes just shutting down all my Wifi and shutting the world out. Meeting people that were open-minded kind of made me think I had to make my little world larger, that I was missing out on something. But this world is too much for me to handle. Some people got pissed at me for pushing them away because I couldn't handle it anymore. I hate that I mostly struggle with being true to myself. Somehow others make me feel like I have go give my all to make them happy, sometimes. I'm glad I don't have to be around my parents or my closest friends. I can snap and yell at them all I want and they understand that I just feel overwhelmed by everything atm. Sometimes, I just want to vent and to rant and say "Shit, I hate this whole universe", and I'm happy when others sit with me and say "Me too, pal, let's curse together". Sometimes, I want to celebrate happy moments. Sometimes, nobody got time for me. And sometimes that makes me a sad little artist. Realizing how much pain I've been through thus far and how much I've struggled to stay alive, I probably can't that much smalltalk with strangers whose worst nightmare would be to have to work on the weekend, or smth. Not saying that isn't bad but... I've had worse... in my humble pov. It's hard to be understood when people don't get how trauma can affect you. I've experienced traumatizing shit... since I was 3. I have been kicked and misunderstood, yelled at, shamed, and people tried to change me so often... but I should be my true, akward self, and when I cry because I am sad, or because someone overdid it, I deserve care and not a "you're childish". I deserve freedom to be who I am, to take an afternoon to read my favourite book, to draw 9h straight... I got a plate full of things I constantly think about sometimes. So much, that I sometimes can't even draw anymore. I look at my WIP pieces and negative thoughts spiral up. I close my files again and play a random game to get away from these thoughts. My brain literally says "Your art is crap. Leave." That's one reason I barely draw these days. The other is, I try to overcome by creating endgame boss level pieces, to try astonishing my own perfectionism. So there am I, exporting 799 images for an animation that probably, in my mindset, nobody will look at. Took me only 9 hours so far for 306 of them, no biggie. Nothing I ever do is good enough for my inner critic. Or barely, at least. I compare myself with people who are better, younger, have more people telling them how good they are. Maybe I am jealous. Am I to blame? Nobody of my peers back in high school cared about my art, barely even about me. I've got a huge scar right there and every time it burns when I see others having it better. And the one person who shamelessly praised me, is dead since many years. We all need appreciation sometimes. But I feel like I should not dare to ask for it. So I sit there silently and feel like I loathe what I love to do. I got some WIP pieces. A lot, actually. But I lack focus to finish any of them. And I wonder how to find the strength and inspiration to overcome this artist's block. I hate imperfection, but I am imperfect and that alone is a bitter pill to swallow. Next year, it'll be 10 years since I started digital art. Hope my mindest will be better by then. I'll try to get back in the zone, at least. Healing is difficult, sometimes. Donner
© 2016 - 2024 xDonnervogelx
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